45 Things I Hate About You
My dear friend Joshua Kelly, author of an amazing book titled Oh Your God!, wrote an article the other day that lit a fire in me. And so, a response.
Kelly is a brilliant wordsmith. As much a philosopher as he is an academic, I’ve always admired (and envied to no end) what happens between his ears. Ultimately, I also fawn over the words he puts on paper and screen.
Kelly asks, at least from what I read, if nihilism is rational. Or at least natural. I won’t lie, there was a good long time where I did agree with that sentiment. I have those moments lately too.
The question arises from the chaos that is at the center of our political circus at the moment. Just a few hours ago, 45 openly contradicted what his own team stated about Russia’s current meddling in the upcoming midterm elections. Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to state that the press is not the enemy of the people. And Rudy Giuliani seems to think that 45 holds a grudge against Robert Mueller because the latter cancelled his membership to the former’s golf course when prices went up. Oh, and more tax cuts for the rich are coming.
I haven’t had a drink in almost five years. I’ve had strong temptations to pick the bottle back up over the last 18 months.
Kelly made a statement about the temptation of the void. I assumed him to mean suicide, so forgive me if I misinterpreted his words. But being someone who has suicidal ideations, it’s sometimes hard not to see my own thoughts in others.
When you’re a hammer, everything’s a nail, right?
To be transparent, suicidal thoughts are something I’ve been plagued with since I was very young. Never, but once, to the point of an actual attempt or plan. My therapist said it’s likely something I’ll always be fighting off. The important thing to remember is I’m still here in spite of it.
My initial response was to tell Kelly that this is a time to really figure out what is important to us and what we’re capable of, in terms of care for others. Perhaps we were too complacent after Obama’s terms in office, and progress shouldn’t be stagnant.
We’ve seen protests galore in our country since Trump’s nomination. There have been droves of people, from all walks of life, organized in protest. We’ve seen unmatched courage and bravery as the hatred, that has been embodied by the new POTUS, seethed out from the rocks we all were so sure it had been secured under.
What I think is missing from all of this, however, is one simple word: understanding. Part of that means understanding who our current President is, and why he acts the way he does. Another part means understanding the people who support him.
Most importantly, this means understanding ourselves. Not just ourselves, but what we’re capable of.
I’ve been very invested in a book lately; A Philosophy of Evil by Lars Svendsen. While discussing the different understandings of evil, and why such acts may be carried out, the author also discusses the problem of labelling evil. More specifically, Svendsen wades into the subject of herd mentality. And it is here I find it important to quote his words:
When the difference between ‘us’ and ‘them’ is truly established, individuals will often substitute the group’s values and judgement for their own. The need for individual reflection disappears, and thinking for yourself can even seem disloyal to the group. Groups are dangerous because a mass does not have a conscience…and therefore individuals in a group seem to have broken free of the demands of morality…You must consider yourself to be an individual in order to recognize the other as an individual — depersonalization of the self leads to the depersonalization of the other.
Look at the circumstances of the individuals, and perhaps the “evil” that we see starts to make sense. Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, today, that she has been vilified by the press. She has been heckled, humiliated, and shouted at in spaces because of what news organizations have stated about her (I’m paraphrasing). I will concede she stated that was still her personal feeling, but she never took the concept outside of how news reporting has affected her as an individual.
Jim Acosta said, both during the press conference and after the fact, that he felt for her and was sorry those things happened. Still, she refused to say that the press was not the enemy of the people.
Trump sat at a table during the April 30, 2011, Correspondents Dinner where Obama played a jokey video showing his long-form birth certificate and then berated Trump. Some assume that was the night Trump decided to really run for President. As Patton Oswalt has said, “Hey, I get it…I’ve done so many dumbass things out of spite just to piss someone else off.”
And now I want to take this opportunity to use one other quote from Svendsen. Not a page after the above quote, Svendsen cites Tzvetan Todorov with something that really hit home for me.
Someone who sees no resemblance between himself and his enemy, who believes that all the evil is in the other and none in himself, is tragically destined to resemble his enemy. But someone who, recognizing evil in himself, discovers that he is like his enemy is truly different. By refusing to see the resemblance, we reinforce it; by admitting it we diminish it. The more I think I’m different, the more I am the same; the more I think I’m the same, the more I’m different…
I would have a hard time not feeling slighted if, after reporting was done on several things I said, people berated me. If I was kicked out of a restaurant, and the person stated it was because of something, or someone, I represented, I would feel immense anger.
If I was in front of a large crowd and humiliated, no matter the circumstances, I would feel emasculated. I would feel embarrassed. I would feel compelled to “show them who’s boss.” More than that, after reaching that goal, and finding I was doing a job that was heavily criticized by a large number of people, I’d want to go out and do the things that helped me relive those moments where I felt powerful.
Does that mean that any of that is okay? Absolutely not. There’s a difference between acknowledging how we feel, and then acting off of those feelings. I’ve been lucky enough to work in a profession that has taught me how to identify the self-sabotaging feelings, and the triggers that lead to it, and then appropriate coping skills.
And during all of that, I’ve also learned how to accept that I mess up sometimes. During those times, I have to live with the really gross, negative feelings that come with it. I have had to accept that I have blind spots to problems others face that I don’t, and I’m sometimes oblivious or ignorant of them. The hardest part of all of it, and one that I’m still really bad at, is learning how to forgive those who, intentionally or otherwise, have given me some of those bad feelings.
Those who do evil do not do so because it is evil, so Mary Wollencroft has told us. Instead, it is a byproduct of something someone does because they believe it to be good. Subjectively, good for them. I do not offer an excuse for the current administration’s deeds. On the contrary, I have been seething with rage while watching their actions. However, this is a multi-layered system, an onion of a problem, if you will. There’s not one simple solution, and I believe I’ve only offered one thin layer of the rubix cube we’ve been toggling for the last year-and-a-half.
What I will leave you with is this: I’m admittedly a bit more of an optimist than most in this situation (though not always), but I always am reminded of Fred Rogers’ quote “Look for the helpers.” The helpers during this time are the ones focused on the good.
The people involved in protest? Reminding us that women, science, health care, equality, and human rights are still important? They’re helpers.
People donating time, effort, money, and sometimes their freedom to help those in need? They’re the helpers.
People creating something? Blogs, books, movies, theater, music, art…it’s therapy for the audience and the artist. Creators, and consumers, are the helpers.
Look for the helpers. Perhaps we’re not ready to laugh into the void, but there are plenty of people out there to at least help us smile at it.
